Movies that have fused to my brain: Gremlins (1984)

Fuck yeah, 'Gremlins'!

So your Dad brings you home a Mogwai: A cute, fluffy little creature named Gizmo as a pet. He's pretty awesome. At some point you accidently spill some water on him. Next thing you know you've got a whole bunch of fluffy little dudes.

Man, these new fluffy dudes are kinda dicks, but whatever.

Accidently feed them after midnight, and now you've got giant green scaley super- assholes that are now running around your town destroying property and murdering people in hilarious ways.

They also take over the local movie cinema to watch Disney's 'Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs'.

Yes, yes, yes.

-'Gremlins' trailer-

Movies that have fused to my brain: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

-"Don't get strung out."-

Transvestite Mad Scientist From Outerspace builds himself a loverboy.

All praise the ludicrous power of the Musical.

Movies that have fused to my brain: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)

-Anyone else have the sudden urge to listen to Aphex Twin?-

The only time you will ever get to see Mickey Mouse be a jerk while hanging out with Bugs Bunny.

-'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?' trailer-

Movies that have fused to my brain: Toy Story (1995)

-You have no idea how fun it is to draw yourself as these characters.-

'Toy Story' is one of the most important films to be released in the last 18 years, and the few people who haven't seen this film need to get their act together. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with those people?

-Toy Story trailer-

Movies that have fused to my brain: Batman Returns (1992)

-"I'm a sexy CATwoman, I'm a sexy CATwoman, meow, meow, meow."-

-Batman Returns trailer-

Movies that have fused to my brain: Beetlejuice (1988)

-The Ghost With The Most, Babe.-

Beetlejuice is a great character. He's a sleazy, [literally] rotten, pervert-opportunist that you can't help but love. If he was your living uncle in real life, you probably wouldn't talk about him, and if you were his niece, you would never sit on his lap.

-'Beetlejuice' trailer-

Things I've never accomplished: Hanging Out With Superheroes

Wouldn't this be a brilliant thing to happen?

I know that there is the slight problem that Superheroes aren't real [and no, Pheonix Jones doesn't count], but a girl can still dream, right?

Some people might be wondering why I picked Aquaman of all people to be seen hanging out with.

There are three reasons for this:

1- Aquaman is generally regarded as one of the worst well known superheroes.

2- A running joke I have with my friend Jodie that Aquaman is passionately into the music of the early 90's, in particular Hootie And The Blowfish.

3- The depiction of Aquaman in the animated series 'Batman: The Brave And The Bold'. It is fantastic. He's loud, boisterous, insanely enthusiatic, and it's almost impossible to bring him down [unless his wife forces him to go on family vacation]. It also helps that he is voiced by John DiMaggio, also known for his work as Bender on 'Futurama', and as Jake The Dog on 'Adventure Time'.

You should all make time to watch 'Batman: The Brave And The Bold'. It is first equal as my favourite Batman TV series, sharing the top spot, of course, with Bruce Timm's 'Batman: The Animated Series', and for very different reasons.

'Batman: The Brave And The Bold' takes its cues from the campier moments in Batman History, such as the Adam West Batman television show from the 1960s, and that one time Batman had to wear a Rainbow Batsuit to defeat his enemy.
It is also filled with great one-liners delivered by Diedrich Bader as Batman.

Look, just watch the show damnit. Watch all three seasons and then you can suffer for all eternity knowing Aquaman will never be that cool again.

-Here, let Aquaman inspire you with his Rousing Song Of Heroism!-

-This is the final installment in "Things I've Never Accomplished". New theme starting Monday.-

Things I've never accomplished: Ice Skating

Ice skating. I tend to think of it more as "Roller Blading With Knives On Your Feet".

Things I've never accomplished: Enjoying Roller Coasters

No. Fuck this. No. Do Not Want. Nononononono.

That is essentially how I feel about roller coasters. There are two things that I do not enjoy. One is heights, the other is high speed. Combine those two elements into one "Fun Ride" where you're locked into place insde a box by a bar, that is then "safety checked" by a bored out of their mind teenager, which I am then powerless to stop or slow down or get the fuck out of until it's over, and you've basically got one of my nightmares made reality.

Featured in this picture are the last three people to convince me to go on a roller coaster with them. We went on this rickety as hell wooden roller coaster that was built around 1920, and it felt like either the entire framing was going to give way beneath us, or we'd simply go flying off the rails at the next corner.

NOT FUN. 

They then got me on another roller coaster, where the sense of imminent death was again with me. For the finale, they got me on one of those fucking rocking Pirate Ships that go way up in the air, again, with only a shitty little metal bar holding you in place. We had to sit right at the back, because apparently that's where the maximum fun factor is on these things. No. No no no no no.

After having to listen to me having an actual panic attack, they then felt guilty. That was three years ago. Now it is just a source of amusement for them.

 -The last roller coaster I was ever on. Luna Park, Melbourne, Australia.-

-The Euthanasia Coaster - by Julijonas Urbonas-

Every single roller coaster on the planet feels like the Euthanasia Coaster. My brain associates them with certain death, regardless of the fact that this has been proved wrong on four seperate occasions.

I am also not a fan of Pirate Ships.

Or Drop Towers.

Or Ferris Wheels.

Bumper Cars. Give me god damn Bumper Cars.

Here's a video that makes me feel ill. start it at 1:07 and you'll start to see why.

-Front Row On The World's Steepest Roller Coaster-

Things I've never accomplished: Having A Successful Conversation In French

"You are a rude duck!"
"Your mother was a hamster!"

-A typical attempt at the French language with my friend Thomas.-

This post is essentially an open-letter apology to the people of France, especially my friends and flatmates, who have to speak English to me because my French is so horrible.

Le Canard Impoli ["The Rude Duck"] is some strange saying that has evolved from my shitty French.

Ta Mere Etait Une Hamster ["Your Mother Was A Hamster"] comes from the Taunting Frenchman from 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'

--The Taunting Frenchman--

Things I've never accomplished: Tropical Island Holiday

 

 This is a pretty easy thing for me to not accomplish.

Heat and I, we don't really get along. once it gets over about 24 degrees celcius, I start to drown in my own sweat. Being a continuously sticky, shinny, smelly mess [keep the thoughts clean! Or if you're going to have dirty thoughts, send me some money via the donate button up the top] is not something that appeals to me.

My wife on the other hand, could happily skip around being an energetic ball of joy in 36+ degrees.

She tells me the tropical island getaway is going to happen one day. As long as my mocktails have umbrellas and obnoxiously twirly crazy straws, I might be able to survive.

Things I've never accomplished: Communicated With Alien Life

Despite my best efforts [i.e. None], I have never managed to communicate with alien life.

Things I've never accomplished: Sock Puppeteering

I had to think about this one before I started it. 

Is this true? Have I never gotten around to making and playing with sock puppets? It seems so wrong. Look at how happy I am in this illustration! I have clearly deprived myself of much crucial joy.

Things I've never accomplished: Marionette Puppeteering

I know, right? I am as shocked as you are.

Marionettes are pretty impressive. They can also be creepy as hell.

Things I've never accomplished: Getting Into A Fight With A Grizzly Bear

That escalated quickly. I do not know how this has not happened to me yet.

Things I've never accomplished: Unicycling

Unicycles are fantastic.

Things I've never accomplished: Recreational Reading

I am not a reader at a recreational level. I wish I was. I wish I could sit down with a big ol' novel and happily spend the afternoon reading. Instead I can sit down for hours and watch cartoons and movies for days on end. I'm not resentful for it, I do love my love of animation and films, it would be nice to do both. On the upside, I never had to go watch a film based on a book and be disappointed.